Book Review: Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier

I added this book to my to-read list during a recent CBT training with Dr. Bob Friedberg. He said it was a “must-read” for any therapist. I agree, but not because I agree with much in the book. The author is pretty critical of the current state of parenting and argues that we in the field of mental health mostly make the work of parenting harder by disempowering parents and causing them to question their own instincts. She suggests that authoritative parenting, the approach originally described by Dr. Diana Baumrind and still taught (as recently as my child development courses) as the most effective parenting style for positive child outcomes, is nearly extinct. Instead, we have a new style of “therapeutic parenting.” Shrier writes, “Once parents decided the goal of child-rearing was emotional wellness, they effectively conceded that the actual authorities were therapists.” What’s more, parents give neither consequences nor independence, and instead give up their every moment to their child expecting friendship in return. Sadly, this does not work very well because, as she writes, “No one respects a needy friend.” Ouch.

I agree that parents are the true authorities on their children and should trust their instincts more. However, there is a lot of interference with that authority and instinct coming not just from mental health practitioners but, I would argue, the ubiquitous lay expert opinion found all over social media. There’s too much information available and many parents aren’t sure what to think. Another major confound is the building-the-plane-as-we-fly-it reality of parenting a generation of digital natives as mere “digital immigrants” ourselves (to borrow a term from Dr. Don Grant). Let’s face it - we come from a different land, and we did not grow up in the same tech-laden environment that young people are immersed in today. Figuring out how to support them through it is unexplored territory. The good news is that all of Baumrind’s wisdom about authoritative parenting still applies in today’s environment: consistently high expectations for child behavior combined with strong support to get them there, with a gradual release toward age-appropriate independence. For parents who did not have authoritative parenting modeled for them in their own childhood, or have just lost the thread in the weeds of social media “parenting experts,” therapists offering evidence-based practice have a helpful role to play.